I have a lot of family and people that I relate to or should I say relate with me. Every day is a newfound therapy session with conversations geared towards healing. Sharing my story serves as a way to heal and cope with the trauma of the past mixed with the struggles of the moment. I do a lot of floating, my attention hops from moment to moment as the world tugs for my presence more and more. This is everything I planned for but way more comes with the dream.
It was my time in the behavioral hospital in 2016 that is starting to get to me today. Sitting in that hospital, I contemplated my purpose in life. I was just suicidal and life was becoming a blur. I internally chanted "free your mind" as tears dripped down my cheeks lonely in a cold hospital bed. There was another patient with me in the room, his bed was next to mine. I didn't sleep because I was scared. I didn't know the person next to me, we were both at mental lows and I didn't know what he was capable of. I was in complete survival mode and was prepared for anything at this point. It was during this moment in my life where everything clicked.
This experience was for a reason.
I began to embrace the entire process and was thankful for a second chance.
From that point on I knew who I was...
My days consist of being in a bubble so that I can hear my own thoughts while I am constantly searching for clarity and divine guidance. My calling is becoming more and more evident with each loss in this world. Pain is a consistent theme in my life. As one wound heals another piece of skin is ripped, battered and bruised.
Everything that I'm doing now others have tried to do before. It may not be exactly the same but very similar. I am a student of life and draw inspiration from everything around me. Every experience that I have endured has gone onto my canvas. I am a product of my family and environment blended with my own seasoning. When people see me they are reminded of themselves which is a gift and a curse.
It's like I am a walking trigger, my energy hits the hearts of those that pass me by. My silence in the midst of chaos speaks volumes. My story hits nerves that rattle the bones of the strongest of the strongest. A lot of people are living vicariously through me so much so that they give me their opinions based on the visions and dreams of their inner-child. Every move I make a new person hints at them trying it before or planning to do the same thing in the future.
I am starting to have survivor's remorse. I am surviving. I am still standing when so many before me aren't. I am doing things that others never got the opportunity or blessing to do. I was destined for greatness since birth but that constant watering and sunshine is clouded by storms that damaged the roots. The same soil that helped me grow is slowly deteriorating around me. As I continue to grow, the thought of a collapse lingers in my mind. The higher up I go, the lower some people feel inside and the pull to keep me leveled gets draining. The more doors I enter, the more people get left behind. I can't take everyone with me. Isolation comes with success. Choosing yourself is the most important decision in your life. No matter how hard it is, you have to choose yourself.
Be yourself, you don't want to be me...